Sugar...Bittersweet

Last week we adopted a dog. Let me start by mentioning that we were not out searching for a dog by any means. Rather, I think I was searching to fill a void I have been trying to deal with over the last few weeks. I will be turning 29 in the weeks to come and for some very odd reason I have been very emotional about this.

Age is just a number to me and always has been, actually, I like to believe things grow better with age. But I don't think it is the actual number that I'm afraid of, but realizing what's behind me came and went so fast and it will never be again. Through this journey, I'm trying to discover my purpose through what God has given me, and I'm uncovering a lot about myself, who I am, and what I want to become. My BIGGEST fear is to know that God has called me to do great things and letting time slip by and live a life wasted.

When I was in high school, I knew exactly what I wanted... marry Dylan and have babies immediately. I wanted to be a mom more than anything. That's exactly what happened. Having Slayton was everything I ever wanted, but knowing we would have another I guess I didn't slow down enough to enjoy each moment. Even after Daizy, knowing she was my last, I don't believe it hit me until now. Just like that, that time is gone. That part of my life of expecting a baby, feedings in the night, hearing those first words... it is now gone. Not that I want another baby, it's just closing on that part of my life that is hard to deal with.

So I am just trying to hold onto each day for as long as I can and make sure every step is intentional and impactful in my next 10 years. Through this emotional rollercoaster I've been on, I'm unveiling pieces of myself that I may not have known before because I never took the time to search amongst my busy life.

Back to the dog...I was going through Facebook and came across this post of a dog needing to be adopted. For some reason, before I even read the entire description, I wanted her. I have never been one to adopt animals or even drawn to the idea honestly. But for some reason, for her I was. When we got to the vet she began to tell me more about the dog and the traumatic experience she has had. Due to that, this dog needs extra time and care. She has no trust in people. That will have to be gained through process. As busy as I am with my career, there still wasn't a question in my mind if I wanted to take her home that day or not. She needed a good family and today I'm discovering I needed her. I sat up with her every 2 hours the first few nights. Talking softly and comforting her, just as I did with my babies. Creating a consistent routine to help her understand stability. As my babies slept beside us, it touched my heart tremendously. Even though that time with them is gone, I felt God was giving me this moment. To nourish like only a mother longs to do with this dog and in the still of the night something within me was switching. I was able to look forward to the next phase of my life.

(After night 2, we were exhausted. Shout out to all the mommas with newborns or puppies.

You're the real rockstars!)

The kids wanted to name her Sugar, because she is solid white. She is slowly coming around to them and are bonding each day. This morning, she followed me into the bathroom and didn't leave my side while I got ready, which is a HUGE step for her. Previously it was my kids with me each morning, but now with them both in school, it has been my alone time. As she was lying there, I knew that while I wasn't searching for a dog, I was searching for apart of myself I long for, and that's to nourish. That is apart of who I am and I will always need that to be fulfilled, in a way only a momma can express. God provided her to help me in my struggle just as she needed us to recover from her struggles. It's so unbelievable to me how he tends to provide in a way we don't even realize until its given. Even now it makes total sense to me that the kids chose that particular name, Sugar... sweet girl, you are bittersweet!